INCREDIBLE WOMEN I MET IN FEDERAL PRISON- PART #6
by Lisa Barrett
With much attention being given to the imminent arrival of Teresa Giudice, cast member of the Real Housewives of New to Federal Prison, I decided I would throw my insight into the mix to give a more accurate account of what her life will be like during incarceration. I am winding down on a one year sentence at Danbury Federal Prison Camp (FPC) in Danbury, Connecticut, the same facility where Mrs. Giudice will be housed. She is scheduled to begin her sentence just 13 days after my departure. As author of "How to Navigate Through Federal Prison and Gain an Early Release," I will share with you, firsthand, what Teresa Giudice, will experience at Danbury FPC.

Contrary to what is being reported in the media, the FPC does not have barbed wire or fences around the premises. In fact, inmates are free to move around the facility and recreation area at will, except during official counts. Because the FPC is adjacent to the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution (FCI), where higher security male offenders are housed, the media has mistakenly shown pictures of that facility. The two facilities at Danbury share the same property, but are two separate compounds. The FPC is basically one small, narrow building a stone's throw up the hill from the FCI. Inside the Camp is just one long hallway with 12 rooms raised up half a level on one side of the building, which houses new inmates. Offices line the other side of the hallway and the downstairs consists of three dormitory style housing areas. The rooms hold 6-8 bunk beds and lockers along with a chair for each bunk. The facility also consists of two education class rooms, a small chapel, recreation room, a chow hall and a visiting room, which is also used as a television room for inmates. On the grounds is a Commissary, Out Warehouse, UNICOR, Food Service Warehouse and CMS shops where inmates work.

Entering prison and the few days following are generally rougher than day-to-day prison living. Theresa can expect to be handcuffed, strip-searched, medically screened, fingerprinted, issued an official Bureau of Prisons (BOP) Identification card and outfitted in prison issued clothing upon her surrender. This is the initial intake process, which takes approximately 2- 4 hours.

Life for Teresa won't be as bad as the media has portrayed it. The women at the Camp are anticipating her arrival. She has several die-hard fans who will be there to greet her and show her the ropes. Inmates generally compare the Camp to a retirement home or a college campus. Some Campers crochet or knit the hours away, while others use the time to advance their knowledge through reading and writing. There are educational opportunities and so many talented individuals who are willing to share their skills and knowledge freely. Teresa will have access to a hair salon, manicures, pedicures and facials, but not on the level to which she may be accustomed. The holidays at Danbury FPC, while sad to be away from family, are a lot better than could be expected. Contrary to what has been printed, Teresa will not be eating "canned gravy and instant potatoes." The Thanksgiving feast I ate last month was as good as any I've ever eaten. The inmates who work in Food Service take pride in what they prepare and made everything from scratch including sweet potato pies, collard greens, candied yams, macaroni & cheese, turkey, ham and stuffing. There are holiday decorations throughout the facility and many holiday activities including Karaoke and Bingo.

Danbury FPC is a small camp housing just over 200 inmates. For the most part, everyone knows each other and gets along. There are professional and blue collar women who interact well together and learn from one another. Hopefully Teresa didn't spend too much money on self-defense classes as reported by the tabloids, because she won't need them at Danbury. In the nine months I've spent here, I have heard numerous arguments, but only witnessed one fight. I've come to understand most fights are between gay couples, so I don't think Teresa will have any worries unless she decides to become "gay for the stay."

Depending on her job assignment, Teresa will most likely spend her days working out or walking the outdoor track. Danbury is nestled within the beautiful mountains of Connecticut with scenic views from the building and recreation area. I've experienced winter, spring, summer and fall here at Danbury and each view has been more amazing then the season before it. She may have extra time to watch television or she may learn a craft such as crocheting or knitting. She may even decide to teach or enroll in a continuing education class at the Camp or earn college credit through correspondence courses. Whatever she chooses, I have no doubt she will find ways to pass the time.

Almost every woman at Danbury looks forward to family and friends visiting on weekends. Inmate visitor lists are limited to 15 people over age 16, including immediate family. At first, Teresa may not want to subject her girls to a prison environment, but I'm sure once she thinks it through, she'll want to see them as much as possible. I enjoy the visits I get from my family once a week. Thank goodness they haven't missed a weekend since I've been here. That has been a means of escape from every day prison life. Along with recreation movies, which are played on the weekend, and religious services, visits are the highlight of the week at Danbury.

As a mother, wife, daughter and celebrity, communication with the outside world will likely be a priority to Teresa. Some women dislike the idea of standing in line to use one of only four telephones for a maximum of 15 minutes at a time. All calls are monitored by the BOP, including email messages. Therefore, I wouldn't advise her to get too personal over the phone. Telephone use is limited to 300 minutes per month at a cost of $0.06/minute for local calls and $0.23/minute for long distance calls. Email is archaic, but functional, at a cost of $0.05/minute with unlimited use. As long as there are funds in an inmate's account, she may purchase TRU-Units to use the email. With only eight computers available for email use, there is usually a period of waiting. However, once a computer station is secured, it can be used for up to one hour. There is no access to any application software or the Internet; there is only standard email.

Contrary to popular belief, it takes money to survive in prison. Money shouldn't be a problem for Teresa. Although the BOP provides free room and board along with basic clothing, there are many other essentials inmates are not provided. These essentials can be purchased through the Camp Commissary. Teresa will be allowed to spend up to $320 per month, restricted to $160 bi-weekly on Commissary items including hygiene products, t-shirts, sweatpants, shorts, alarm clock, snacks, coffee, religious items, radio, MP3 player, hair dye and yarn. Funds to purchase these items comes out of an inmate's deposit account, which is the same account used to purchase TRU-Units for their TRULINCS account in order to download music or send funds out of the institution. Teresa is arriving on Monday, January 5, 2015, giving her the opportunity to shop Commissary the very next day. The Commissary is open weekly for business at Danbury FPC between the hours of 6:30 a.m. - 11:00 a.m. on Tuesdays. She may spend her full $160 if the money is available in her account.

I've never watched "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," but from what I understand, Teresa likes to be at the center of controversy and cannot always control her temper as demonstrated on the episode when she flipped a table over in anger. To avoid confrontation, Teresa will need to follow this advice: Don't ask too many questions of other inmates, it may make you appear to be a rat. Mind your own business and do your own time. Don't ask anyone about their charges and you will notice they won't ask you. Don't talk about what you have in the outside world like money, cars and homes. It may make others jealous and possibly make you a target for extortion. Don't cut in line for meals, laundry or other services. Don't reach across another inmate's food under any circumstances. Always remember you are an inmate, not the police. If you have a problem with another inmate, settle it between yourselves. Do not go to the CO unless the matter has gotten extremely out of hand. If you hear or see something that goes against the rules, keep it to yourself or risk being ostracized. The only exception is if your life is in immediate danger, which is not likely to ever happen. Be respectful to other inmates. Fights in prison mostly happen because one inmate feels a lack of respect from another inmate. Always be courteous, especially with the courtesy flush, which means when using the toilet, flush often to keep odors at bay. Generally, maintain a quiet confidence, stay under the radar and simply blend into the crowd as best you can. Trust no one and never let your guard down! If she keeps all of these helpful tips in mind, she will do her time in peace. No one wants to do time in prison, but by knowing the ropes in advance any one can successfully navigate through federal prison and gain an early release. I did!


Lisa Barrett, author of "How To Navigate Through Federal Prison And Gain An Early Release," is a life-long educator and prison reform activist. While serving a year in Federal prison for theft and embezzlement of labor union funds, Barrett developed a comprehensive guidebook to help prisoners survive the hardships of incarceration and gain an early release. Today she is utilizing her experience as an educator, political activist and an overcome to make strides for prison reform and educate women behind bars.

     Last night I hosted the New Year's Eve, Holiday Jam at the Danbury Federal Prison Camp. For a few hours we escaped out of prison mode, as we partied like rock stars! Michael Jackson's song "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" blasted through the large speakers in the Visiting Room, as the young and old, of all ethnicities, partied together. Mrs. Hemphill, one of our eldest and most respected fellow inmates, who is 73 years old, did a moonwalk-like motion on the dance floor and everyone turned up! Although we were conscious at that moment that we were still property of the Bureau of Prisons (BOP) our spirits felt free. We gave thanks to God that we were able to see another year, and together in unison we counted down the New Year. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 
     New Year's day followed in good spirit. We had steak, bake potatoes, clam chowder and freshly baked cheese bread for lunch, along with egg nog. I ate my meal across from a friendly face I had never formally met before. She is a new transfer from Alderson Federal Prison Camp in West Virginia. As we began to talk over our meal, she shared with me how much fun she had the night before and how she never thought she would celebrate New Year's in such a manner in prison. I smiled and told her that our celebration is a Danbury tradition. We try our best as inmates to make the best out of the holidays. I almost dismissed the nature of our conversation until she engaged further. 
     "I read your book 'Unlocking The Prison Doors.' It was sent to me in Alderson by your publisher. I was going through a very rough time and your book helped me tremendously," the women said emphatically, as I stopped to make sure I heard her correctly. 
     "Yeah your books are a hit in West Virginia. Many of the women their read them to help cope with their incarceration. We keep several sets in the chapel for the new prisoners to read," the woman continued on. 
     Her words made me reflect and give gratitude to God. Even though I'm experiencing one of the most challenging times of my life, I realized that the work I've done behind bars has had a great impact on others. That means so much to me! It lets me know there is indeed purpose in my pain. I took great value in the lesson I got from the woman's conversation, which I want to share with you. Even though we may do many good deeds that seem to go unnoticed, they still have great value to others. Therefore, don't be weary in your well doing, in due season you'll reap much. Happy New Year!

     In a dark place that I expected to be a cruel world, I met some really bright lights. To me, a light is a person who God uses to shine His reflection upon others. Going through life circumstances, we often question "why me?" I've learned through my journey that some of us have been sent on difficult missions to help others who will have to experience the same path. These are people whom I call lights, because it is there light that leads the way for many others! 
     Behind bars, I've met many dynamic women who have helped me on my journey. Each of them have contributed to my life in different ways, but this one individual is a stand out for women in prison. Sentenced to serve a 12 months in Federal prison, she could have put her feet up, relaxed and used her time to rest her brain, but she didn't! 
     I am proud to introduce you to a woman that used her time of imprisonment to create a powerful book to help other newcomers overcome the fear of imprisonment and teach them how to get through their sentence as quickly as possible. Her name is Lisa Barrett and her new book, which is scheduled for release early next year, is called "How To Navigate Through Federal Prison And Gain An Early Release." 
     I had the pleasure of collaborating with Lisa on this project, after discovering we had similar experiences and fears of imprisonment. We both hired the same prison consultant to help us prepare for prison. She paid a hefty $5000.00 fee, and I paid $10,000 to retain his service. Although we both come from different walks of life, we were nervous and had no clue what to expect. Like myself, Lisa thought prison was going to be a death sentence, but it was not! Her book will now help to relieve the fears of many by preparing them for imprisonment and educating them how to get out as quickly as possible. With this book, they will not have to experience the pain or pay the price that we did. This is our give back! We share what we have learned and provide powerful tips to help newcomers. 
      Lisa Barrett is a long term educator who worked in the Pennsylvania public school system for close to 30 years. She also held the title as Teacher's Union President for many years, where she advocated for change in the school system. I'm glad now that she is free, she has picked a new role as a women's prison reform activist to help create change within the federal prison system. We desperately need her help! So, shout out to my friend Lisa Barrett! Not only did you survive your worst fear, you created a manual to help others do the same. You are what I call a true overcomer! May God richly bless you in all your endeavors. Thank you for shining your bright light upon me. You are truly loved and appreciated! 
     
         UP NEXT!!!...
As you know more and more female celebrities are being sentenced to serve time in Federal prison. Theresa Giudice, reality star of the "Housewives of New Jersey" is up next. Although there has been a lot of press about what she can expect to experience in prison, most of the reports are inaccurate. The reporters have no clue of what goes on behind bars, but Lisa Barrett, author of "How To Navigate Through Federal Prison An Gain An Early Release," does! Sorry, "Orange Is The New Black" does not give justice to what one can really expect at the Danbury Federal Prison Camp. Author Lisa Barrett tells it like it is! Stayed tuned for her new article and get a real inside view of life for women behind bars in Federal prison!

by: Jamila T. Davis

Tension filled the crowded prison salon as the girls assembled to fight. Re-Re, a tall brown skinned girl from Washington D.C. had her friends on deck and they were ready to get it in! Re-Re had her hand pulled back to hit my friend Dawn, who was her rival. Before she could land her punch, I jumped in between both of the emotionally charged women. 
"Hold up!" I shouted at the top of my voice taking everyone off of their guard. My hands were stretch wide open pushing the girls apart. "This argument is stupid! You are both pretty, gifted black women. Why are you fighting over such stupidness." The unusual passion in my voice must have caught their attention. The packed room of girls listened attentively, staring at me as I talked. 
"The government has suppressed us enough. We are all hurting and missing our loved ones. When does the madness stop? This is just what they expect us to do. They want us to kill each other. We can't give them that! I just won't allow it! Not here and not now!" I spoke emphatically. 
Inside I was frightened to death, but I let my spirit guide me. The words I spoke rose up from the bottom of my soul, releasing the energy that was trapped inside of me. I was in this strange place not knowing what to expect, but my instinct saved me. Quickly recognizing the power of my speech, the women in the shop began to disperse and the heated conversation dispelled. I was relieved! 
Over the next several months my hair dresser Dawn took care of me. She introduced me to all of her friends and gave me a lot of items that made my prison stay more comfortable. Having her do my hair gave me great satisfaction. Even though I was locked up, having my hair done the same way I wore it in the streets made me still feel human inside. 
Dawn helped to prepare me for the long stretch I had up ahead. She taught me the ropes and I listened. When you are in a dark, strange place a familiar face makes such a difference. Around Dawn, I felt comfortable enough to let my guard down and share my feelings. I enjoyed the many long walks we took together and the incredible advice she gave me. 
Unfortunately my union with Dawn did not last too long. I was shipped to Santa Ana, California to handle another charge and she was deported back to Guyana. I never did get a chance to say goodbye, so please allow me this moment. 
Dawn, wherever you are in the free world, I just want to thank you for your love and support during some of my most difficult times. You will forever be the dopest hair dresser I have had, both in and out of prison. May you continue to use your gifts to bless the lives of others, and may your life forever be filled with joy and happiness. From the bottom of my heart you are loved and greatly missed!

by: Jamila T. Davis

In the late summer of 2008, when I entered the gates of the Danbury Federal Prison in Danbury, Connecticut, I was a nervous wreck. As I stared intensely at some not so friendly faces, I had no clue what to expect. Realizing I couldn't allow myself to be anybody's punk, I put on my best "mean-mug" grill as I checked out my new surroundings. 
Luckily, I ran into some girls I had met in the county jail where I was housed before the U.S. Marshals came and got me. They quickly embraced me and showed me around. The scene I witnessed was nothing like I'd ever expected. The FCI was filled with over 1100 women from all over the world. Every state was represented by the population, and even foreign countries I never heard of.
As I walked around the compound that resembled an old housing project setting in the South, filled with a series of low, 3-story cement buildings, which were aligned in a rectangular pattern with a a large lawn in the middle. Staring at the scenery I experienced culture shock! Dressed in a khaki uniform and black steal toe boats, I was stripped of all the worldly possessions I once used to define myself. No longer a glittery stand out, I was now just one of the girls. Literally, I traded in my million dollar condo for a small 5 1/2 x 9 cell, which I had to share with my cell mate. At that very moment, in my mind things couldn't be worse! 
In attempt to cheer me up, my friend Chermaine, a brown skin girl from Harlem who I met in Hudson County Jail, in New Jersey, walked me over to the hair care center on the compound. As I entered into what appeared to be an over-sized closet, with a sink, three small stations and two larger dryers, I recognized a familiar face. 
"Oh my goodness, Jamila! Is that you?" A stocky brown skin girl with chinky eyes, of Guyanese decent questioned. 
"Yes girl it's me!" I said with excitement recognizing Dawn, my former hair dresser from the streets. I couldn't help but wonder what she had done to come to prison. I knew she was missing in action for several years, but now I had an understanding why. 
Dawn and I quickly embraced one another and caught up on old times. She reminisced on how I used to call her up for last minute appointments for both myself and my boyfriend, sending a car service to pick her up from her house in Brooklyn. She would travel over an hour to come to my house in Northern, New Jersey. Dawn's braids and weaves were amazing, so I was happy to have her on speed dial in my phone! 
"You was my best client, girl! I loved the tips you gave me." Dawn said to me and turned to address the girls in the shop. "I told ya'll about the guy's hair I use to braid who played for the New York Giants. This is his girlfriend." The women in the packed salon began to stare at me, clearly checking me out. 
"Yeah girls Jamila is rich! She lives in a gated community and her house has an elevator in it! It's like one of them houses you see on MTV cribs! And honey, she ain't cheap. The tips I use to get from her sometimes were more than I charged." Dawn bragged as the women listened intensely. 
"I told ya'll this is what I do in the streets. I didn't just come up in prison like most of these chicks around here. Now y'all get to meet one of my rich clients." Dawn boasted. After she finished speaking the tension was so thick in the room you would need a large knife to cut through it. 
I tried to brush off my discomfort, but the sharp stares I received gave me an unction that I wasn't safe. I didn't know if I should laugh or smile in attempt to change the mood. Before I could make a move, the woman who worked in the station next to Dawn begin to snap. 
"Who the f&%$ do you think you are? You got numbers just like me b#$^%!" A tall, brown skin women with short stacked curls, who the women addressed as Re-Re, shouted. 
In a matter of minutes the situation escalated and got quite intense. I had been on the compound for less than 24 hours and I was in the middle of a nasty confrontation. Re-Re's friends begin to surround Dawn and it was clear it was about to be on! At that moment I wished I wasn't in prison. I desperately wished there was a door I could exit, but I was trapped! So many thoughts flooded my mind. I had two choices: Do I stand up and fight with my old friend? Or, do I try to make a break for it?...

by Jamila T. Davis

This has been a very long journey, but I've learned many valuable lessons from some incredibly gifted women during my 6 1/2 years of incarceration. Often people think of prisoners as morbid killers, creeps or "low-lives." But the truth is, many of us are good people who happen to make a mistake. I've been given the unique opportunity to develop friendships with some amazing individuals who probably would have never crossed my path, yet our mishaps led us to the same place. I want to share some of these experiences with you. 
I've come to the conclusion that the FEDS don't discriminate when it comes to locking people up. From multi-Grammy award winners, authors, politicians, Fortune 500 executives and even lawyers, one mistake landed us all in prison. Ranging from 18 years old to 80 years old, I've met women of all backgrounds, ages and creeds who were serving time for committing nonviolent crimes. I decided to start this blog to create awareness about the rising epidemic of women in federal prison, and to share the knowledge I learned from individuals who have inspired and uplifted me during my term of incarceration. 
Reading recent tabloid articles about the reality star from "The Housewives of New Jersey," Theresa Guidice, coming to prison, I realized America has no clue about the true lives of those of us behind bars. Therefore, I decided to give you all a sneak peek about who we are, what we do and how we manage to pass time. 
First up is the women from Danbury Federal Prison Camp who participated in the CHOICES Community Outreach Program with me. Let me tell you my sisters mean straight business! We've spoke at high schools, colleges, forums and youth conventions throughout the state of Connecticut, encouraging at-risk youth not to make the mistakes that we once did. This took courage! Together we shed a lot of tears. It was hard to admit our mistakes and acknowledge our flaws, and even harder to share them with others. But we did it! The benefit was not only for ourselves; we helped many children along the way. It was amazing that our stories had the ability to pierce the hearts of even the most rebellious teens who vowed to take our advice and deter from crime! 
As a federal inmate, I was given the incredible opportunity to give an acceptance speech on behalf of the CHOICES group on the stage at Yale University, in front of a packed audience. Actually it was kind of strange to be awarded by the U.S. Attorney's office, which is the same entity who advocated for many of us to be given decade plus sentences behind bars as nonviolent offenders. None the less, the honor was a delight. As I shared our journey through the intense program, there wasn't a dry eye in the building. For that mere moment we weren't viewed as prisoners. We were seen as humans who made errors. It appeared that the audience could relate to the fact that we made a mistake and had the courage to admit our faults, while paying a hefty price. As I stared out into the audience that was filled with sympathy and compassion, I couldn't help but think of those who may have committed the same exact offenses, yet never got caught. It was my hope that our stories would speak to those individuals and help them avoid our mistakes. 
So my first shout out goes to the women of the CHOICES program. You all inspired me to share my experiences with the world! Though many of you have returned home to your loved ones, you will forever hold a special place within my heart. Continue to live life on PURPOSE

   by: Jamila T. Davis 

     As I wrapped the white sheet tightly around my neck finally gaining the courage to end my life, a light flashed in my prison cell that startled me. I quickly yanked the sheet from around my neck so I didn't attract the attention of the prison guard. 
     "Is everything okay in there?" the tall, male CO shouted through the door, taking notice of my startled face.
     "Everything is okay sir, I was just praying." I responded quickly.  
      The bright light caused an immediate shift in my thinking and conviction flooded my heart. I immediately fell on my knees and began to cry out to God. I couldn't seem to do anything right, even killing myself.
     "Lord why is all this happening to me. Father this is way too much for me bear. All I ever wanted was to be happy and to be loved. Every time I get close to obtaining my dreams, something always seems to snatch it away. Lord, I don't want to live like this anymore. Please release me from this pain. Just take me life and let this all come to an end!" I cried out emphatically. Before I could continue my prayer, God spoke to me so clearly it was as if He was standing next to me in my prison cell. 
     "My daughter, for so many years I've tried to get your attention. Every time I bless you and restore your life, you abandon me and chase after another god. Why aren't you calling on your other gods to help you? You've given your heart to them, not Me." God spoke sharply. 
     "No Lord, I would never ever serve another God, but You. You must be mistaken." I confidently rebutted. 
     "Yes you have Jamila. You even made this man that you don't even know your god. Look you are ready to take your life for someone who doesn't even love you. Of course he must be your god!" God scolded. 
     "I've been standing back watching you for many years, waiting to see when you would get enough. I've watched you chase after men, material items and even accomplishments, and you put them all before Me. Every time I decide to bless you, despite your faults, you take the very gifts I give you and you give them to your other gods. Then, you foolishly expect that that they will make you happy. How could I ever let that be?" God questioned, as I intensely listened to His heart piercing words. 
      "Why are you so afraid of being alone? Don't you know I am always here with you? I know your thoughts and desires, even before you request them, and I desire to bless you. But, you can't make people, places and things your gods, and you can not put them before Me. I am your God my daughter and I love you. I am the ultimate Provider! Everything you need, want or can even think of, I have it all, including your perfect mate. The problem is I can not give you what you are not ready to receive. You must first work on loving and cherishing what I have already given you, life.
      "You are one of my greatest creations. I made you in the likeness of My own image. So why is it that you have violated yourself and put another man before your own well-being? How do you expect anyone to love you when you clearly do not love yourself? Why is it my daughter that you refuse to go within and build up your strength, instead of seeking things on the outside to fill you up? I have equipped you with everything you need, why not use it?" God steadily questioned as I listened.
      "Daughter I know that you may feel that I have abandoned you, but I am actually now setting you up for one of your greatest blessings. Through this journey you have just embarked upon I am going to teach you how to find true fulfillment. As you began to seek after Me with your whole heart, things in your life are going to change for your good. I am going to take away all the things that have been harming you and prepare you to receive one of my greatest gifts.
     "When I am finished molding you, you will no longer seek after the gods of this world to find happiness and fulfillment. I will teach you how to find them from within. And, after you learn this lesson, I am going to bless you with a spouse. My daughter, I have a perfect mate in mind just for you, who will love you as I love the church. Together you will work with him to help build my kingdom on earth. I have a plan for you my daughter, and it's bigger than anything you could ever imagine or even understand. It's time for you to surrender to My will. You tried it your way and it didn't work. Now try my way and watch and see the miracles I have in store for you!" God spoke clearly and His human-like presence disappeared. 
       Tears flooded my entire being thinking about how I made men and material things my gods. As I pondered I imagined how much my behavior must have insulted God. Instantly, I repented and asked for strength to endure the painful journey that was up ahead. I realized at that moment there was purpose in my pain. Those that may be hurting from a similar painful experience, there is purpose in your pain too! Have you considered that God is using your painful experiences to show you that He has a better plan for your life? Do you realize God loves you more than you love yourself? Sometimes when we are not strong enough to let go on our own, God will cause obstacles to occur to break us free from destruction. In many cases, we cry about the very thing we should be rejoicing over! Just like all of our emotions, pain has purpose. Therefore, seek the message it is trying to give you and take heed!...

     It was Christmas day, December 25, 2008, and I remember it like it was yesterday. I was starring out the small window in my prison cell anxiously waiting for the CO to pop the door. It was my first Christmas behind bars, and I was lonely and miserable. Ending a 19 hour lock down period at the Santa Ana Federal Holding facility in Santa Ana, California, I couldn't wait to call my fiance to boost my broken spirit. 
     I paced back and forth in the small cell, which I occupied by myself. I had been locked up for 5 months and couldn't wait for my life to resume back to normal. I would often get lost day dreaming about the good ole times. Life for the several past years had been extremely chaotic for both me and my fiance. He had been locked up for the past 4 years and had finally come home. Unfortunately, right before he came home I got locked up, so we never got a chance to be together. Nonetheless, with a fresh 12 1/2 year sentence over my head, I was extremely grateful he was still holding me down. His loyalty and affection meant everything to me! Just thinking of him kept me motivated and inspired to do everything in my power to change my tragic fate. Deep down in my heart I knew he was the one I'd spend the rest of my life with. We had this bond that seemed so inseparable. I felt I had finally met my soul mate.
     I heard the button on the door of my cell click and one-by-one all the doors in the woman's pod begin to slide open. Each day we had 5 hours out of confinement that all the prisoners anxiously looked forward to. I stood patiently waiting for my cell, which was on the top-pier, to open. Finally it slid open and I sprinted to the phone. Like an addict in need of a fix, I dialed my sweet heart's number knowing his mere voice would revive me and bring me joy. 
     "Hello baby is that you?" I questioned anxiously.
     "Uh, oh Milla. What's up baby? He replied reluctantly. 
     "Yes love. Merry Christmas! I've been waiting to call you all day. You know I miss you so much!" Before I could continue to pour out my feelings to him I was interrupted by a woman's voice. 
     "Hello, who's this?" A female angrily shouted through the phone. 
     "What? This is Jamila. Who the hell are you? I questioned.
     "I'm his new woman now. And that's all that matters. Do me a favor you convict b$%#, stop calling his phone. He has no more use for your services. It's over!" The female blurted in a nasty tone. "Matter fact, baby tell this b$#@$ it's over." The woman instructed as she passed the phone back to my fiance. 
     "Oh Milla. I am sorry, but you heard her. So that's what it is now." The dude who was suppose to be my fiance said nonchalantly. 
     Inside my entire being became numb. I stood dazed in disbelief as I struggled for words. "What baby? After all we have been through over the last couple of years. Are you really going to end it like that? What about the businesses and everything I set up for us?" I sobbed in grief.  
      "We will deal with that later. Now you know what it is. She's my girl now, so it's over. All right." He replied as if he was being coaxed and had fulfilled his demands. 
     I couldn't even respond with the wrath I should have. For the last 2 years I held this dude all the way down, while he was serving time in federal prison. I was faithful, kept money on his books and even made sure his family was straight, and within 60 days after he touched ground it was over just like that. I was heart broken! I knew this prison journey was going to be rough, but I never expected it to be like this! My worst nightmare had been invoked on me. Not only was I locked up, I was now alone. Under these two very painful conditions, I felt life couldn't get any worst. 
     I went back to my cell and slid the door closed. I thought about all the plans we had made and all the time I invested in the relationship. It was now all wasted efforts. Clearly I meant nothing to the person I had wholeheartedly given my heart to. The conversation on the phone played over and cover in my mind. As it repeated I felt like I was being freshly stabbed. In my mind, as a inmate with a decade plus sentence up ahead of me and a broken relationship I would rather be dead. Instantly, I began to think of ways I could silently end my life. Scoping the room to see what I could use, I twisted my white sheet around my arms to form a tight rope. As tears dripped down my eyes, I wrapped the sheet around my neck asking forgiveness for what I was about to do. It was all to much pain to bear and I was ready to get it over with. In a few moments, I would finally be able to rest in peace...