It was Christmas day, December 25, 2008, and I remember it like it was yesterday. I was starring out the small window in my prison cell anxiously waiting for the CO to pop the door. It was my first Christmas behind bars, and I was lonely and miserable. Ending a 19 hour lock down period at the Santa Ana Federal Holding facility in Santa Ana, California, I couldn't wait to call my fiance to boost my broken spirit.
I paced back and forth in the small cell, which I occupied by myself. I had been locked up for 5 months and couldn't wait for my life to resume back to normal. I would often get lost day dreaming about the good ole times. Life for the several past years had been extremely chaotic for both me and my fiance. He had been locked up for the past 4 years and had finally come home. Unfortunately, right before he came home I got locked up, so we never got a chance to be together. Nonetheless, with a fresh 12 1/2 year sentence over my head, I was extremely grateful he was still holding me down. His loyalty and affection meant everything to me! Just thinking of him kept me motivated and inspired to do everything in my power to change my tragic fate. Deep down in my heart I knew he was the one I'd spend the rest of my life with. We had this bond that seemed so inseparable. I felt I had finally met my soul mate.
I heard the button on the door of my cell click and one-by-one all the doors in the woman's pod begin to slide open. Each day we had 5 hours out of confinement that all the prisoners anxiously looked forward to. I stood patiently waiting for my cell, which was on the top-pier, to open. Finally it slid open and I sprinted to the phone. Like an addict in need of a fix, I dialed my sweet heart's number knowing his mere voice would revive me and bring me joy.
"Hello baby is that you?" I questioned anxiously.
"Uh, oh Milla. What's up baby? He replied reluctantly.
"Yes love. Merry Christmas! I've been waiting to call you all day. You know I miss you so much!" Before I could continue to pour out my feelings to him I was interrupted by a woman's voice.
"Hello, who's this?" A female angrily shouted through the phone.
"What? This is Jamila. Who the hell are you? I questioned.
"I'm his new woman now. And that's all that matters. Do me a favor you convict b$%#, stop calling his phone. He has no more use for your services. It's over!" The female blurted in a nasty tone. "Matter fact, baby tell this b$#@$ it's over." The woman instructed as she passed the phone back to my fiance.
"Oh Milla. I am sorry, but you heard her. So that's what it is now." The dude who was suppose to be my fiance said nonchalantly.
Inside my entire being became numb. I stood dazed in disbelief as I struggled for words. "What baby? After all we have been through over the last couple of years. Are you really going to end it like that? What about the businesses and everything I set up for us?" I sobbed in grief.
"We will deal with that later. Now you know what it is. She's my girl now, so it's over. All right." He replied as if he was being coaxed and had fulfilled his demands.
I couldn't even respond with the wrath I should have. For the last 2 years I held this dude all the way down, while he was serving time in federal prison. I was faithful, kept money on his books and even made sure his family was straight, and within 60 days after he touched ground it was over just like that. I was heart broken! I knew this prison journey was going to be rough, but I never expected it to be like this! My worst nightmare had been invoked on me. Not only was I locked up, I was now alone. Under these two very painful conditions, I felt life couldn't get any worst.
I went back to my cell and slid the door closed. I thought about all the plans we had made and all the time I invested in the relationship. It was now all wasted efforts. Clearly I meant nothing to the person I had wholeheartedly given my heart to. The conversation on the phone played over and cover in my mind. As it repeated I felt like I was being freshly stabbed. In my mind, as a inmate with a decade plus sentence up ahead of me and a broken relationship I would rather be dead. Instantly, I began to think of ways I could silently end my life. Scoping the room to see what I could use, I twisted my white sheet around my arms to form a tight rope. As tears dripped down my eyes, I wrapped the sheet around my neck asking forgiveness for what I was about to do. It was all to much pain to bear and I was ready to get it over with. In a few moments, I would finally be able to rest in peace...