As I wrapped the white sheet tightly around my neck finally gaining the courage to end my life, a light flashed in my prison cell that startled me. I quickly yanked the sheet from around my neck so I didn't attract the attention of the prison guard.
"Is everything okay in there?" the tall, male CO shouted through the door, taking notice of my startled face.
"Everything is okay sir, I was just praying." I responded quickly.
The bright light caused an immediate shift in my thinking and conviction flooded my heart. I immediately fell on my knees and began to cry out to God. I couldn't seem to do anything right, even killing myself.
"Lord why is all this happening to me. Father this is way too much for me bear. All I ever wanted was to be happy and to be loved. Every time I get close to obtaining my dreams, something always seems to snatch it away. Lord, I don't want to live like this anymore. Please release me from this pain. Just take me life and let this all come to an end!" I cried out emphatically. Before I could continue my prayer, God spoke to me so clearly it was as if He was standing next to me in my prison cell.
"My daughter, for so many years I've tried to get your attention. Every time I bless you and restore your life, you abandon me and chase after another god. Why aren't you calling on your other gods to help you? You've given your heart to them, not Me." God spoke sharply.
"No Lord, I would never ever serve another God, but You. You must be mistaken." I confidently rebutted.
"Yes you have Jamila. You even made this man that you don't even know your god. Look you are ready to take your life for someone who doesn't even love you. Of course he must be your god!" God scolded.
"I've been standing back watching you for many years, waiting to see when you would get enough. I've watched you chase after men, material items and even accomplishments, and you put them all before Me. Every time I decide to bless you, despite your faults, you take the very gifts I give you and you give them to your other gods. Then, you foolishly expect that that they will make you happy. How could I ever let that be?" God questioned, as I intensely listened to His heart piercing words.
"Why are you so afraid of being alone? Don't you know I am always here with you? I know your thoughts and desires, even before you request them, and I desire to bless you. But, you can't make people, places and things your gods, and you can not put them before Me. I am your God my daughter and I love you. I am the ultimate Provider! Everything you need, want or can even think of, I have it all, including your perfect mate. The problem is I can not give you what you are not ready to receive. You must first work on loving and cherishing what I have already given you, life.
"You are one of my greatest creations. I made you in the likeness of My own image. So why is it that you have violated yourself and put another man before your own well-being? How do you expect anyone to love you when you clearly do not love yourself? Why is it my daughter that you refuse to go within and build up your strength, instead of seeking things on the outside to fill you up? I have equipped you with everything you need, why not use it?" God steadily questioned as I listened.
"Daughter I know that you may feel that I have abandoned you, but I am actually now setting you up for one of your greatest blessings. Through this journey you have just embarked upon I am going to teach you how to find true fulfillment. As you began to seek after Me with your whole heart, things in your life are going to change for your good. I am going to take away all the things that have been harming you and prepare you to receive one of my greatest gifts.
"When I am finished molding you, you will no longer seek after the gods of this world to find happiness and fulfillment. I will teach you how to find them from within. And, after you learn this lesson, I am going to bless you with a spouse. My daughter, I have a perfect mate in mind just for you, who will love you as I love the church. Together you will work with him to help build my kingdom on earth. I have a plan for you my daughter, and it's bigger than anything you could ever imagine or even understand. It's time for you to surrender to My will. You tried it your way and it didn't work. Now try my way and watch and see the miracles I have in store for you!" God spoke clearly and His human-like presence disappeared.
Tears flooded my entire being thinking about how I made men and material things my gods. As I pondered I imagined how much my behavior must have insulted God. Instantly, I repented and asked for strength to endure the painful journey that was up ahead. I realized at that moment there was purpose in my pain. Those that may be hurting from a similar painful experience, there is purpose in your pain too! Have you considered that God is using your painful experiences to show you that He has a better plan for your life? Do you realize God loves you more than you love yourself? Sometimes when we are not strong enough to let go on our own, God will cause obstacles to occur to break us free from destruction. In many cases, we cry about the very thing we should be rejoicing over! Just like all of our emotions, pain has purpose. Therefore, seek the message it is trying to give you and take heed!...